Articles by Cindi A. Asher

 Never put the children in the middle of the divorce

 First and foremost, NEVER put the children in the middle of the divorce! There is lots of tension and negative feelings between the parents. Try to keep it away from the children. In the long run they are the ones who suffer. So many things will change in their lives and they need to be surrounded by love and positive people and things.

Each parent wants to be the “favorite”. There is the fear that the children will want to be with the parent who has the most fun and in some cases the parent with the least amount of discipline. This is just how children are programmed. We have all been a child ourselves. The children love both the parents the same even if they get mad at one or the other. Children are smart they can use that to their advantage to get what they want. Sometimes it is because it takes away the pain temporarily in their eyes.

There is going to be arguing because feelings run deep. The best advice is to talk (or argue) in a place where the children can not hear. Now a days both parents want custody. Joint custody can be better on the children. Studies show that children of divorce parents achieve more and excel more with both parents involved in their lives. There are the children that do grow up with just one parent and become presidents, lawyers, etc., it is just more rare.

Telling your children lies about the other parent or constantly cutting them down causes more harm. As children grow up they learn by example and can form their own opinions. They may wind up siding with the parent that was made out to be the bad guy. Opinions are something that should be talked about with best friends or counselors. The children do not need to take on the “caretaker” role with the parent who wants the sympathy. They are the ones who need to be taken care of and need to know that both parents love them no matter what. It is not the fault of the children, EVER.

When a child sees both parents at their sports activities, school activities, etc. that is what gives them piece of mind. It helps to know both are there for them watching while they grow. Having two homes with their own room can be positive also. In mixed families the children need to know that it’s okay to love their step parent because it does not minimize the love they have for the other parent. It is also important that the step parent loves and cares about their step children. Consequences should be the same for all the children in the household. Always consider the age of each child when consequences are needed.

There are exceptions to every rule. If there is any kind of abuse being done to the children they should never be left alone with them. It should always be supervised until it is proven no harm can come to the child. ALWAYS listen when a child tells you something is wrong. This applies to both the parent and step parent.

Children of divorce can learn about healthy relationships if both parents are in healthy, loving relationships. The children can see that a marriage can work and sometimes seeing their parents happy is easier than watching constant arguing.

Teenage suicide prevention

We need to stop and think about our teenagers and what they are going through. We should keep this in our thoughts everyday. The story below is a true one spoken from a Special Education teacher/paraprofessional and a student. The story tells itself:

"I have always enjoyed working with the students in special education. The “behavior disorder” children are my favorite. They really are good on the inside and just want someone to care about them and understand them. Negative attention is what they seek because there is not a lot of positive attention given to them. It is not always the fault of the parent or society but the majority of the time it is.

There was a student I worked with that skipped a lot of school, was failing every class and his attitude seemed to keep getting worse. One day while I was in the library with some students I noticed him sitting off by himself. He looked like he was either going to explode or break down at any minute. I asked a teacher to watch my students while she took the boy into an empty computer room.

I sat down across the table from him. I assured him he was not in trouble; I just wanted to know what was going on with him. He was reluctant and I assured him he could say whatever he wanted. Minutes went by and he finally started to talk. Once he started he could not stop. He said his mom had an affair with a neighbor and got pregnant. He had to deal with that and always had to take care of his younger siblings. By this time tears were rolling down his face. He said at school he did not have many friends. Most students either ignored him or teased him. The teachers had given up on him.

He went on to say that he did not fit in anywhere. He was tired of not knowing where he fit in. As he was pouring out his heart, my heart was breaking for him. After listening to him I told him I understood and I believed in him. I asked him if he had talked to his mother at all and he said “no”. I asked him if he wanted to get through high school and he shrugged his shoulders. I assured him I would help him after school and in seminars to help him pass his classes. I would go to all his teachers and find out what he could do to pass the tenth grade. If he would come to school everyday for the rest of the school year I would give him twenty dollars on the last day of school. Then he could treat himself to something nice. He would need to come see me everyday after school also and turn in all his homework.

I then told him that I wanted him to go home and talk to his mother right after school and tell her how he felt. He had nothing to lose. As far as the other students go, concentrate on the friends you do have and do not worry about what anyone else thinks. I reminded him that tomorrow is always different and if he could do his part it would all work out. He just has to hang on when the day is bad and know tomorrow will be different. I gave him a hug and my cell phone number and let him know if he ever needed to talk to call me and I would listen. I told him to give his mom my number also if she needed to talk. I told him everything would be okay and to keep on keeping on.

After my meeting with him I went to all his teachers. There was a couple who told me I was just wasting my time. I told them it was my time to waste and I believed he could do it. My cell phone rang about an hour after I got home from school that day. It was the boy’s mother.

She was crying and told me she got off work early that day and walked by her son’s room and saw a note lying on his bed. In the note he was telling her he was going to end his life because he could not take it anymore. As she started to get frantic she heard him come in the front door. She ran to him and hugged him. They talked and she assured him everything was going to be better. She told me that her son told her about our conversation. She thanked me for taking the time out to listen to him and believe in him. I was very emotional myself telling her she did not need to thank me. I thanked her for listening to him.

He started coming to me after school. The teachers said he was actually turning in homework. I started seeing more smiles on his face when I passed him in the halls or observed him in the lunch room. He passed with D’s and C’s at the end of the year. On the last day of school I went up to him in the lunch room and handed him his twenty dollar bill. He had not missed a day of school the rest of the year.

I have not seen him in probably eight years but I have heard through the grapevine in our community that he is married and has a child of his own.  Not all stories turn out this way."

That story has always gotten to me since the day I heard it. I always have told my children not to tease or ridicule other students. Never go along with the crowd. Try and say “hi” to the student no one knows. You never know what the teenager you sit next to in class is going through in their personal life. 

Cindi A. Asher